abraxas inbox

[divinityfrompain]

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[divinityfrompain]

Welllllllllllllll.

It doesn't have to be.

[righteously]

Yeah, you know what, that works for me. My bandwidth for feelings is down, like, two hundred percent after all that crap, so.

How you holding up?

[divinityfrompain]

I mean I basically went down the road I was most afraid of going down, so that's unnerving, BUT thanks to the help of some people who cared about me, I didn't go Dark Phoenix. It could've been worse.

How are you doing?

[righteously]

You want the real version or the abridged version?

[divinityfrompain]

I always want the real version.

[righteously]

Not great.
Jo didn't make it back.
Also, I fully died back home. Abraxas is permanent for me now, so that's.... awesome.

If it's any consolation, your whole goddess aesthetic was badass toward the end there.

[divinityfrompain]

Wow. So you definitely had the most fun coming out of our mass AU hallucination huh?

I'm so sorry about Jo and about your life back home. What about Cas? Are you two okay?

Thanks, you looked cool with the wings. Also I have permanent red eyes now.

[righteously]

We're...
I don't know.
We talked about it. It's complicated.
He died back home too, so this is kind of endgame for both of us.

Thanks. At least one pair of the wings are a now-thing, so there's that I guess.

I liked your eyes both ways. For what it's worth.

[divinityfrompain]

All the more reason to make it work though, right?
What would be holding you back?

Thanks, they turn white when I do goddess things so it's not like this has never happened, I think it just bothered me that it's one more thing I didn't ask for. But they are pretty, TBH.

[righteously]

He left me. Back home. It's not just that he died, it's that he got brought back and he just bailed. He's an angel. I went to heaven. He never turned up.

I guess I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with that.

I think I'll be the judge of that myself. Maybe next Nocwich weekend, if you wanna grab a drink?

[divinityfrompain]

Wow. That is pretty shitty behavior, I can see why you'd be pissed. Do you know why he would do that?

Obviously I would, we're still BFFs in my opinion. Might as well take some good shit from what we went through, right?

Have you talked to your brother about all of this?

[righteously]

I don't know, maybe he wanted an out. I'm not exactly the best retirement plan.

I told him about Jo disappearing.
He said we had a good run.
I guess he's not wrong.

( It just wasn't exactly what Dean wanted to hear at the time. )

[divinityfrompain]

Nah, I don't buy it. He loves you. It probably had nothing to do with you and all to do with him. People are really good at getting in their own way.

That's a pretty cold reaction. Was this in person or on here? Because you know how texting is. Sometimes hard to pick up on tone.

[righteously]

Yeah, maybe.

( Or it could be that Dean ruins everything he touches and everyone leaves him. No comment. )

Texting.
He's right, though.
In my line of work, this life... relationships aren't really a thing we get to have. Two hunters lasting as long as we did is kind of a miracle.

[divinityfrompain]

Yeah, maybe, he says, broodingly.
Do you want to end things between you?

I mean, yeah, but also, it still sucks, and he could've been more compassionate about it.
Texting sucks, dude, he's your brother. Make him go to Nocwich too, have a bro night.

[righteously]

No, of course not.

Hey, by the way, when did you sign up to be my personal therapist?

[divinityfrompain]

Oh god don't tell me, you're used to dude friendships only.

[righteously]

I'm used to no friendships only. Don't judge me.

( His best friend is Castiel. Also, before Abraxas, basically his only friendship was Castiel.

He had Benny, but then Benny died.
He had Charlie, but then Charlie died.
That's... yep, that's pretty much it. )

[divinityfrompain]

My best friend in the world is a guy but he's never been a guys-guy, he's soft and squishy.

Not to gender binary it out, but girls tend to be a little better about listening to their friends' bullshit and offering thoughts and advice. I guess you could say we're raised to be sharers and carers.

So it's less me being your therapist, and more me caring about what's going on in your head and heart because you're my friend and that's what it is.

[righteously]

Yeah, that's not
That's not really a thing in my circles

( Even his mother was very... Mary Winchester. )

It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just
you know

( icky gross feelings ew )

Whatever, you get it.
Can we talk about you for a while
How's your whole thing going

[divinityfrompain]

I know, you're all super serious badass hunters. Feelings are gross and complicated, let's punch things!

But I don't want to make you squirm so I'll let you sidestep.
Although I'd like to point out you did start out telling me your tales of woe so you wanted someone to listen.

It's okay? IDK. The Doctor says we're fine. That was very weird for us because we had literally just kissed for the first time like a week before this happened and haven't even gone on a first date.

[righteously]

Hey
Punching things is way more cathartic than you probably give it credit for. Punching things is great.

Stop perceiving me, it's gross.

So, wait
You guys had your first kiss
Then you were suddenly super-god-married, then super-god-divorced, and THEN things went back to normal?
Man, that's
That's a lot
How the hell do you even navigate that

[divinityfrompain]

I am learning how to punch things with Aloy, it's very cool and yes, carthartic.
Being an invulnerable goddess has also helped me not get easily beaten up too, ha!

YEAH. All of that is what happened.
I asked him if he still liked me (middle school like-like) and if he still wanted to go for it.
He said yes, so I guess we are!

Some really bad shit happened to me before I got here and I didn't think I could have something good again.
I don't really know if I deserve it? It's complicated. But I'm glad he's still in.

[righteously]

I don't know who that is, but I'll take your word for it.
Sam could take you out punching too, if you haven't already. I'd kill to hear about you punking his ass out.

Congrats on your sixth grade romance, though. Living the dream.


You deserve it.
I don't know much, but I do know that.

[divinityfrompain]

Omg you have to meet her. She's this badass redhaired huntress from a future (?) with robot dinosaurs.
She made this awesome obstacle course to get to her house over all these traps.

I should do that! I'm going to teach him some magic, he can teach me some punching.

It is very cute and middle school, no doubt about it. Butterflies in the stomach and everything.
It's embarrassing. I'm going to write his name in my trapper keeper.

I'm not so sure. You did see my darker side in the AU but that was still me trying to be good.